What I learned from a year of not working
The burnout to soft-life trajectory we all saw coming
Graduating from college was probably the first time I stopped taking care of myself. Not like I’ve been some haggard, schleppy mess for the past 10 years. I’ve always made time for outfits and skincare and manicures and pedicures the occasional massage. But that’s maintenance, not care. Right? Right.
There was some shift that happened when I started working where everything became about work. Not because I wanted it to. But because it felt like it had to. I didn’t have the mental maturity to say no to things I didn’t have the emotional strength to handle. I took on more, and more, and bigger, and more, until I basically became a corporate Hulk who was always either complaining about work, recovering from work, or dreading going to work. Yikes.
Honestly, in moments, it was kind of thrilling to climb the corporate ladder. I’m competitive by nature and so I guess it felt like I was “winning” at something. Getting recognized at work, respected in meetings, brushing shoulders with the upper echelons of leadership (gag). And of course, there’s the money of it all. Right before I quit, I was making more than I, honestly, ever thought was possible for a woman. That’s sad, but true. Years of asking for more, negotiating bumps, new-gig-gambling – and, obviously, putting in the damn work – it felt like I finally got good at this thing I barely knew how to do when it all started and it was paying off.
I was “thriving.” (My nails were gel manicured so clearly I was well.)
Inside, I was empty and consistently on the edge of a mental breakdown. Every morning I would wake up deprived of sleep and dreading the day before it started. Throughout the day, I’d basically be a pool of anxiety-imposter-sweat from spending 10 hours running from meeting-to-meeting, pretending to be somebody that I’m not. Weekends, as we all know, were spent catching up and trying to fill my cup back to at least 70% – or enough to do it all again in 48 hours.
Sound familiar?
I felt beholden to the job because it was too good (read: difficult) to walk away from. Especially because I was making good money, and, all things considered, it wasn’t “that bad” I wasn’t breaking my back working in manual labor, I wasn’t working overnight shifts, the stakes of my job were incredibly low. Who am I to turn away opportunity, especially when there are so many in need of work?
I told myself that to walk away from something that’s not that bad, something really bad has to happen.
(We’ll come back to this point later in lessons I’ve learned…)
My really bad came when I was at an after-work-meeting-dinner with my team and our agency. It’s a long story, but it ends with my boss, and my bosses boss, and my “closest colleague” all laughing – in unison – at me because I didn’t get a promotion. Not with me. At me. In my face. While tears filled my eyes. (Can you imagine?)
I tried really hard to pretend I was crying because I was laughing so hard. (How female is this? THEY’RE HAPPY TEARS, REALLY!!!!) But, I was genuinely so embarrassed, so sad, and in shock. And the appropriate response to those emotions is simply to cry.
So cry I did, for the entire 49 minute drive home, finally realizing just how bad I had let things get.
I’m not sure why, but I had been willing to put up with feeling tired and unmotivated and overworked and annoyed and generally unwell. I could do that for a while, maybe even the rest of my life if I had to. It took being emotionally ~ traumatized ~ to realize just how low I had let myself go. Just how unwell – fragile – I really was.
Because when you don’t take care of things, they break.
👏🏼when 👏🏼you👏🏼 don’t 👏🏼take 👏🏼care 👏🏼of👏🏼 things,👏🏼 they 👏🏼break👏🏼
I put in my notice the next day.
(Which of course was followed by an email response – “let’s discuss what it would look like to get you on track for that promotion” DOUBLE GAG)
I’ve spent the past 12 months since recovering from that–and the other 10 soul-sucking years I spent in Corporate America. I’m very, very, VERY lucky to have a partner who is willing and able to hold down the fort while I recalibrate – temporarily, at least. This is a luxury I do not take for granted, and one that wouldn’t have been possible if this all happened in this year’s economy.
Here’s how it’s gone, and what I’ve learned:
It’s been really confusing because I thought I hated work. Turns out, I don’t hate work, I actually love feeling productive, contributing, solving problems, helping! I hate everything that (often) surrounds work – non-flexible hours, florescent overhead lighting, (occasionally) toxic or incompetent people, unclear expectations, sabotage, manipulation, excessive workload. Work doesn’t need to be these things. I was just never able to find a place that showed me that. If I ever start my own business, I will carry this learning with me.
One of the biggest things I’ve learned is what my body actually needs to feel rested. When you take away the mandatory wakeup time, it’s really interesting to see what your body naturally desires. The first few months I was sleeping until 9am, sometimes 10am – as if I had a hangover from the past decade. Now, I’m waking up naturally around 7:30am every day. My battery just needed to be plugged in a little longer until I was fully charged. I really wish more companies took this into consideration. Rested, happy employees = productive, long term employees.
I realize how unimportant all of it was. The dinners with my mom I spent hunched over a laptop because I “needed to send one quick email.” The conversations with my partner I wasn’t fully present in because I was thinking about what was due the next morning. The relationship I never really had with myself because I was constantly distracted with work. All for what? I feel more present, connected, and me than I ever have. If I could do it all again, I would have flipped the order of things I said no to.
Work aside, life takes so much time. Cooking, cleaning, nurturing relationships, taking care of [children, pets, loved ones]. I’m not sure how all my metaphorical plants didn’t die while I was working. I was eating ready-made meals or delivery – never cooking. My apartment was usually messier than I’d like. I rarely asked friends “how are you?” because I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to respond, fully. Anyone who wonders what a stay at home mom does with “all her time” is ignorant.
I appreciate mornings – and eat breakfast – for the first time in my life. When I was working I would try to get every minute of sleep possible, and then take the minimum amount of time possible for getting ready and commuting. Rushed mornings, coffee on an empty stomach, maybe a protein bar while driving. It’s no wonder I would come home and collapse – my body was not rested and not appropriately fueled. I never understood breakfast people, but I realize now that eating a proper meal in the morning really does set your day, and body, up for success.
I think I’m nicer now? I like to think I’ve always be a kind person, or at least tried, but when I was so fried from working, my fuse was so short. Road rage, random irritable outbursts at home, zero to no patience. It’s all connected and no surprise of course, but being better slept and having to deal with less toxic bullshit is, unsurprisingly, healing my heart.
I think the biggest lesson I learned is that you don’t have to wait for things to be really bad to leave, or maybe even just to make a change. Quitting isn’t always the answer or even an option – GOD knows we are not living in a world right now where it’s even feasible anymore. But I found myself in this cycle where I would let things get really, really bad (because that was the only way I could possibly justify saying “no”) and then quit. Instead, I’ve learned that it’s okay to say no along the way, it’s okay to push back, and if it does get that bad, of course, it’s okay to walk away – you will always figure it out. But above all, however you choose to protect your peace, you need to find a way – big or small – to truly take care of yourself each and every day. Not 10 years later after quitting. Right now.
Because when you don’t take care of things, they break.
Take care of yourself,
Allison xx
Omg this hits hard! 🥺 I had a similar awakening about my job last year. I’m remote so it helps that I don’t have to see any of my fake/annoying coworkers in person. But ever since I realized they literally don’t care about us outside of what we can do for the company, something in me just switched off. Now I just do my job and log off and enjoy my life 😂And it truly is so freeing 🤍
I love this!